Not Okay
by Deceptress
Summary: A collection of Bleach drabbles concerning the relationship between Ichigo and Rukia.
1. Not Okay

**Spoiler Alert:** My interpretation upon reading chapter 423. Not that far yet? Better not read this...

**Not Okay**

* * *

She stared at him, her gaze never breaking from his, watching his face grow sadder and more forlorn as what little time they had left together slipped away. She knew she was fading from his eyes, from his life. The playful banter fell between them, as realization dawned on them both that this was going to be it. Forever.

"Give everyone my best," Stupid Ichigo and his tough guy act. How could he just stand there and smile at her? He was no longer the boy who had stood there and screamed when she had left with her brother and Renji for Soul Society. And he was now so much more than the man who had stood across from her in the fading sunset, as she said goodbye to him the first time, and he had accepted it calmly and understandingly. Even now, devoid of all the power that had initially brought them together, he was still so impossibly strong.

"Okay," was all she could manage, her gaze slipping from his at that precious final moment, betraying everything she had been trying to hide from him.

Then the moment came when he was no longer looking _at _her, but rather _through_ her, and then all of her carefully constructed Kuchiki restraint vanished into thin air as she vanished from his life.

"Thank you" his softly uttered words, so sincere, drained her of her strength and the tiny shinigami collapsed down onto her knees, glad that he could no longer bear witness to the emotions she had so desperately sought to hide from him.

With their friends in the doorway, maintaining stoic faces with averted eyes and half smiles so as not to alert the ex-shinigami to the sudden state that had befallen his closest comrade, Rukia wept openly at Ichigo's feet.

* * *

This is what I envision happening after Rukia fades from Ichigo's view. Afterall, it's not like everyone else just magically stopped seeing her right at that moment? She was still right there correct?

_**Deceptress**_


	2. Knowing

**Spoiler Alert:** This takes place post manga chapter 423. Not that far yet? Do not continue reading.

**Knowing**

* * *

In some ways, it was the hardest hit he'd ever taken; harder than Ulquiorra putting his fist through his chest and stealing his life away. Harder than anything else he'd ever had to face since becoming a shinigami.

When the realization of his decision finally hit him, a full month later, Ichigo could do nothing but attempt to hide the fact that he felt like he had just been hit with a fully charged cero. Could do nothing but crease his brows, as he always did, and respond to her the same way he always did, because what was done was done.

Another month later, the after effects of that final hit, that sting of realization, continued to rack his body and mind every single time he woke up. It felt like a heavy weight was pushing down on his suddenly empty chest, keeping him down, preventing him from getting out of his bed. So sometimes, not all of the time but just sometime, Ichigo would relent and stay in bed.

On those days, Isshin would shoo his daughters off to school, telling them some ridiculous story about some ludicrous new contagious disease that Ichigo had caught due to his stupidity, and though the girls were too old and too perceptive to believe their father's excuses, they left it alone understanding that whatever it was that plagued Ichigo on those days would only last a little while.

It was on one such day, after Isshin had seen his daughters off to school and brushed off their questions regarding their dear older brother's condition that the head of the Kurosaki family entered his son's room.

Ichigo lay flat on his back, fully awake, staring up the ceiling. Isshin sighed softly and dropped himself into the chair at Ichigo's desk and waited. One of these men had given up his powers, while another had only recently regained his own and Isshin could feel the sad heady weight of his son's now completely normal reiatsu. Isshin lamented silently as he could feel the weight of the tremendous downpour taking place inside his son.

"I am sorry Ichigo,"

Ichigo did not move from his position, his eyes still trained on the same space of ceiling above him but answered in a surprisingly calm and even tone.

"For what?"

Isshin ran a hand over his face, dropping his head between his knees. He could no longer look at his son. Looking at Ichigo on these days was so hard.

"For thrusting the Final Getsuga Tensho on you, for putting the sins of older men on your shoulders. For everything you are feeling now."

"It was my decision to use it." Ichigo maintained, his voice completely void of any telling emotions. Isshin glanced up at his son, who had moved slightly to put his hands behind his head underneath his pillow. Isshin said nothing, could say nothing for he knew that for Ichigo there had never been a choice. The Final Getsuga Tensho...it had been the only way. The only other option was destruction.

When Ichigo finally broke the silence, it was with a question.

"What did you give up? The Final Getsuga Tensho…what did you lose?"

Isshin smiled wryly, though Ichigo could not see, still staring at the ceiling as he was. "The Final Getsuga was not a loss for me; not at all. Everything I wanted was here, in Karakura, with your mother. All I lost was the never ending politics, the endless violence, the monotony of a never ending afterlife." Isshin explained slowly. "I cannot sympathize with you Ichigo. I did not lose what you did, and for that I am sorry."

"I knew what I would lose. I knew what I was doing. I don't regret it." Ichigo responded powerfully, and Isshin knew that beneath his head, underneath his pillow, Ichigo hid his fists curled tightly. "I just, didn't realize…"

"You didn't realize that losing everything included her." Isshin kept quiet to himself that he _had_ realized. As he stood with his son in the precipice world he had momentarily contemplated warning his son what he would learn would mean the end of the one relationship that meant the most to his son...but he had held back. Ichigo had enough doubt in him already; he had already seen the hesitation in his son's eyes. He couldn't add another reason.

Ichigo gave an almost imperceptible shake of his head. "I thought that… everything would go back to normal….I thought it meant going to school, going out with friends, coming home with Rukia…

"I didn't realize that she was never a part of my normal life."

Isshin shook his own head, a smile forming on his face as he glanced up. "You've never been normal son."

Ichigo frowned even more deeply. "You know what I mean."

"I do know, I understand Ichigo. But you were never normal son, being a shinigami is your _normal_ life."

Ichigo finally turned his head to look at his father. "What the hell are you talking about? I'm a human!"

"With a magnificent shinigami father." Isshin added with a playful wink, before resuming his train of though. "Ichigo, with my Final Getsuga Tensho, I took you, who hadn't even been born yet, out of the world you were meant to be a part of. That's why you took to the shinigami way so fast, that's how you became so ingrained into that world, why you fell so hard…"

"Enough." Ichigo stopped him before he could speak any further, turning his back to look at the ceiling. "I understand."

"Born here in the human world, born in a human body…

"Your soul will always be that of a shinigami."

Ichigo nodded his head, thinking on his father's words. "Will I ever…"

"There is no saying. I do not know what caused my powers to return or if it will or can ever happen to you."

"I see…"

Isshin finally decided to ask the question that was foremost on his mind.

"Would knowing that giving up your powers meant giving up Rukia…would that have changed anything for you?"

Ichigo closed his eyes as tightly as he could, and Isshin watched as every muscle in his son's body tensed as if his son were recoiling from a physical blow.

"Maybe…yes…I don't know..."

"Meeting Rukia for the first time…I know that it was one of the greatest things that have ever happened to me; one of the greatest things that ever will. I wouldn't have traded Rukia for all of the power in the world."

"_Ichigo…"_

"But I know how selfish that is, and I am not that selfish guy anymore. I never wanted power but I needed it... to defeat Aizen; to protect everyone, to protect Rukia. He needed to be stopped."

Slowly, Ichigo sat up, his gaze shifting out his window at the bright sunny day outside, the breeze rolling in through the open window. A small smile appeared on his face.

"But I also know that she would kick my ass and never forgive me if I didn't do what I did all because of her." Ichigo's eyes lit up with his smile as he gazed out the window.

"Then don't you go forgetting that Ichigo. Your soul is still that of a shinigami. Even though you have no power, you just have to trust that your soul will find its way home again to Soul Society..." Isshin asked as he stood up and turned to leave. As he opened the door he glanced over his shoulder at the scene behind him.

Ichigo sat up in bed, a small smile on his face as he stared at the window, no doubt contemplating the life that lay before him and the one that he had been forced to leave behind to protect.

Isshin smiled, and gave an almost imperceptible nod to the tiny shinigami who sat in the window, her violet eyes wet with tears that would not fall, but a smile on her face as she stared at the boy in the bed who could no longer see her.

* * *

Once again, my thoughts post 423 on what happened to Rukia after Ichigo could no longer see her and the mystery that is Isshin and the Final Getsuga Tenshou.

Review if you like it. Move on if you don't.

**_Deceptress_**


End file.
